I think maybe the people who are against gay marriage don't really get what marriage is about. Also the people who think adoptive families aren't "real" families.
Maybe these are the same people who think your wedding is the best day of your life.
A wedding is one day. One. Out of your whole life. And while sex is an important part of marriage, it's really hard to spend a whole day doing it, especially when you've got jobs and kids and a lawn to mow. One of the reasons people like marriage is that when you get busy with raising kids and working and whatever other responsibilities you have, it's hard to spend time finding someone to have sex with. It's convenient to have your sex partner living in your house. (And for those who choose to reproduce, it's also handy to have the other person responsible for that kid's existence around to help with the work of parenting.) But most of your day is spent doing other things, like sleeping and going to work and changing diapers and driving your kid to school and doing laundry.
I believe it's generally better to have two people around and in charge if you're going to raise kids. Not everybody chooses to do it this way. I know some great single moms. But parenting is a job that runs 24 hours, seven days a week, and it helps to have another person around to share the work load. And I have to say, for that job, it doesn't really matter what genitals you have.
It's true that I don't want to marry a woman. But there are lots of men out there I don't want to have sex with, either, and I don't begrudge them spouses, so why would I stop two women (or two men) from marrying each other? It makes no sense.
Same goes for adoption. Giving birth is one day (hopefully less) of your life. Throw in pregnancy and I'll round it up to a year. Which is a significant amount of time, I'll grant you. But my parents have been parenting for forty-three years now, and they don't mention the part where my mom was pregnant very often. As far as my brother is concerned, I'm pretty sure his birthday was the parenting day my mom liked the least out of his whole life. My birth story comes up from time to time because it went a lot better, but mainly my mom talks about the getting me part more than the birth part. Guess what? I have a "getting her" story about Boo, too. And it's much more appropriate to tell at the dinner table.
Then there are people who say they have a special bond with people they're biologically related to. I don't really buy that one, either. I'm close with parts of my family, and not close with other parts. I'm a lot closer to my third cousins on my mom's side of the family than I am to my first cousin on my dad's side. You know why? Because I grew up with my third cousins in my life, but my dad wasn't speaking to his sister for parts of my childhood, so I didn't really grow up with my first cousin.
Which brings me back to marriage. I already knew I could love someone like family whom I wasn't related to before we adopted Boo. Because I had already done it with Hopper.
That's right: adoption and marriage are essentially the same thing. And that's the point. When you decide to make a family with someone, you do it. And then you get to go through life together, hopefully making happy times happier for each other and sharing the burdens during tough times. That's what marriage is, and that's what having kids is, except that in a marriage you try to shoulder the burdens equally, and when you have kids you start out with all the burdens and kind of ease your kid into the burdens she has to carry for herself.
To do that, you have to believe in it. You have to want to do it. That's all. Skills help. Love helps. A good sex life helps. You know what doesn't matter (beyond personal choice)? Gender. Race. Age. Health status. Cognitive ability.
So stay out of other people's choices. There is nothing more personal in this world than how someone chooses to make a family. Whether they choose to be single, to live in a commune, to get married, to have kids--as long as they're not in an abusive situation and they're freely choosing it--it's not anyone else's business.
Showing posts with label gay marriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label gay marriage. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
Speaking Out for Russia
My heart is so sad when I think about what's going on in Russia right now. The violence against gay people is wrong, in and of itself, but it is also a piece of something larger. There is a propaganda campaign going on right now against "outsiders" and gay Russians are victims. So are the 300 children who met American parents who wanted to adopt them, but probably never will.
I don't know how far this will go. I'm not sure if we're playing into Putin's hands by protesting these laws. But this violence--state-sanctioned violence--cannot continue. I speak not only of those who have already been physically assaulted (again, a crime in its own right) but also of those who are hiding--adults who are in the closet and children who may not yet understand their sexuality, or worse, who do understand it but must live in a country where the adults express such violent hate for them, and where those adults who understand that homosexuality is just another orientation are commanded by the force of law to keep quiet.
In later years we will hear stories of the brave people who are acting in Russia right now. The teachers who are passing a quiet word or signal to their gay students letting them know that they're okay. The activists who are working quietly behind the scenes to make change, or to help people leave the country. The future martyrs who will keep fighting openly despite the danger.
I am sad for the victims. I am sad for those who are too afraid to live openly. I am sad for anyone who wants to do the right thing but doesn't know how. I am sad for the children who will never know families because of this, and for those who may lose their families if the laws keep tightening. And I am sad for the children like mine who look at the land of their birth and wonder why anyone would stop people from loving each other. Why can't adults who love each other live openly in love? Why can't families who love children adopt them?
Children don't understand "political gain." We can't explain to them that Putin is raising pogroms against gay people and keeping children from finding families to drum up support from his base. They just see the pain he is causing.
Today is the Global Speak Out for Russia. People around the world are protesting on behalf of the people of Russia who are prohibited from speaking out in favor of gay rights. I was not able to attend a protest so I am protesting here. Russia, your problems are not caused by "outsiders," but by your own politics. Give up your war against gay people and Americans wishing to adopt. Solve your own problems. The world has spoken.
I don't know how far this will go. I'm not sure if we're playing into Putin's hands by protesting these laws. But this violence--state-sanctioned violence--cannot continue. I speak not only of those who have already been physically assaulted (again, a crime in its own right) but also of those who are hiding--adults who are in the closet and children who may not yet understand their sexuality, or worse, who do understand it but must live in a country where the adults express such violent hate for them, and where those adults who understand that homosexuality is just another orientation are commanded by the force of law to keep quiet.
In later years we will hear stories of the brave people who are acting in Russia right now. The teachers who are passing a quiet word or signal to their gay students letting them know that they're okay. The activists who are working quietly behind the scenes to make change, or to help people leave the country. The future martyrs who will keep fighting openly despite the danger.
I am sad for the victims. I am sad for those who are too afraid to live openly. I am sad for anyone who wants to do the right thing but doesn't know how. I am sad for the children who will never know families because of this, and for those who may lose their families if the laws keep tightening. And I am sad for the children like mine who look at the land of their birth and wonder why anyone would stop people from loving each other. Why can't adults who love each other live openly in love? Why can't families who love children adopt them?
Children don't understand "political gain." We can't explain to them that Putin is raising pogroms against gay people and keeping children from finding families to drum up support from his base. They just see the pain he is causing.
Today is the Global Speak Out for Russia. People around the world are protesting on behalf of the people of Russia who are prohibited from speaking out in favor of gay rights. I was not able to attend a protest so I am protesting here. Russia, your problems are not caused by "outsiders," but by your own politics. Give up your war against gay people and Americans wishing to adopt. Solve your own problems. The world has spoken.
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
Cheeseburger
I saw this article on Slog today and it really resonated with me.
For those too lazy to click through, it's an article saying that Jews have had to deal forever with cheeseburgers being in restaurants, even though cheeseburgers are forbidden by the Bible, so conservative Christians can deal with gay marriage being legal. (In short. Go read it. It's a good argument.)
Of course there are fundamentalist Jews out there--every religion has fundamentalists--but the rest of us are used to being a minority who has to deal with everyone else all the time. Heck, now I'm a vegan (mostly) and guess what? I have to watch people eat meat all the time. I smell it when I walk down the street. I see it displayed in the window of butchers. The supermarket is full of animal products that I choose not to eat, for scientifically sound health reasons.
And yet I can't stop them.
I can't stop people from eating meat. I can't stop restaurants from selling cheeseburgers. I can't stop Christmas trees everywhere.
And all of that is why nobody can stop me from practicing my religion, or preaching my non-religion, if that's what I decide to do. In this country, everyone gets to practice her own religion. But we don't get to impose that religion on others. We can't stop McDonalds from selling cheeseburgers, and we can't stop my friend from sponsoring her wife for citizenship.
I can't tell you that Baptism is a meaningless magic trick, and you can't refuse to pay for your employees' health insurance just because it covers birth control. It works both ways.
Yeah, it's hard to be a religious minority. I imagine it's even harder when just a few years ago you were in the majority. But being in the minority doesn't automatically make you oppressed. Being unable to impose your views on others doesn't make you oppressed, either.
It sucks sometimes. But the same rules that stop you from stopping gay marriage also protect you from being shut down for preaching your message of hate.
You just have to turn the other cheek. Who said that, again?
For those too lazy to click through, it's an article saying that Jews have had to deal forever with cheeseburgers being in restaurants, even though cheeseburgers are forbidden by the Bible, so conservative Christians can deal with gay marriage being legal. (In short. Go read it. It's a good argument.)
Of course there are fundamentalist Jews out there--every religion has fundamentalists--but the rest of us are used to being a minority who has to deal with everyone else all the time. Heck, now I'm a vegan (mostly) and guess what? I have to watch people eat meat all the time. I smell it when I walk down the street. I see it displayed in the window of butchers. The supermarket is full of animal products that I choose not to eat, for scientifically sound health reasons.
And yet I can't stop them.
I can't stop people from eating meat. I can't stop restaurants from selling cheeseburgers. I can't stop Christmas trees everywhere.
And all of that is why nobody can stop me from practicing my religion, or preaching my non-religion, if that's what I decide to do. In this country, everyone gets to practice her own religion. But we don't get to impose that religion on others. We can't stop McDonalds from selling cheeseburgers, and we can't stop my friend from sponsoring her wife for citizenship.
I can't tell you that Baptism is a meaningless magic trick, and you can't refuse to pay for your employees' health insurance just because it covers birth control. It works both ways.
Yeah, it's hard to be a religious minority. I imagine it's even harder when just a few years ago you were in the majority. But being in the minority doesn't automatically make you oppressed. Being unable to impose your views on others doesn't make you oppressed, either.
It sucks sometimes. But the same rules that stop you from stopping gay marriage also protect you from being shut down for preaching your message of hate.
You just have to turn the other cheek. Who said that, again?
Thursday, March 28, 2013
I'll Tell You When
On Tuesday, Justice Scalia asked when gay marriage became unconstitutional. This morning, I came up with a good answer. This is why I'm not a lawyer.
Gay marriage became unconstitutional when scientists realized that homosexuality is not a mental disorder, which I believe was in the early 1970's* (though I could be off by a bit. Perhaps they figured it out in the 1960's but it only got taken out of the DSM in the early 1970's.) Before that, it would have been unreasonable to allow gay people to marry, because people with severe mental disorders do not have standing to marry.
Since then, we have seen homosexual behavior in almost every species of animal we have studied, we have discovered a gene that causes androphilia (a strong attraction to men) in both men and women, and we know that the more sons a woman has, the more likely her younger sons are to be gay because of a hormone she emits more of during each successive pregnancy. So we know that homosexuality is natural. We have seen one after another group that formerly claimed to "cure" people of homosexuality admit that orientation can't be changed. So we know that it is immutable. And we have been through the plague of AIDS that permanently changed gay culture and an entire generation growing up without the idea that homosexuality is a mental disorder.
It was when my generation, born in the 1970's, came of age that the movement toward legalizing gay marriage began in earnest, and that's no accident. People my age were the first to come out in high school, the first to come of age post-AIDS, and the first to grow up knowing that homosexuality is just something that comes up in the gene pool about 3% of the time. It's only natural that it would be people my age who would expect to marry their partners.
So that's your answer, Justice Scalia. The day homosexuality came out of the DSM, gay marriage should have been legal because gay people are people and therefore eligible for equal protection under the law. Once we stopped "protecting" them from their "mental disorder," we should have given them equal rights.
Perhaps we can be forgiven for not giving those rights instantly, because most people then thought that gay people were different in the way they formed relationships. They always had been, of course, because they had to be. When the love you feel is classified as sickness, you don't date in public. But once a generation grew up knowing they weren't crazy, they expected and asked for the same rights straight people have. From that point on, we've been wrong. Just plain wrong. And now the Supreme Court has a chance to set it right.
So that's your answer, Justice Scalia. Now do you know how to rule on this?
*UPDATE 3/29/13: It was 1973. Thanks, Andy Drouin, for leaving that comment. So, 1973 is when it became unconstitutional. Got it, Justice Scalia? 1973.
Gay marriage became unconstitutional when scientists realized that homosexuality is not a mental disorder, which I believe was in the early 1970's* (though I could be off by a bit. Perhaps they figured it out in the 1960's but it only got taken out of the DSM in the early 1970's.) Before that, it would have been unreasonable to allow gay people to marry, because people with severe mental disorders do not have standing to marry.
Since then, we have seen homosexual behavior in almost every species of animal we have studied, we have discovered a gene that causes androphilia (a strong attraction to men) in both men and women, and we know that the more sons a woman has, the more likely her younger sons are to be gay because of a hormone she emits more of during each successive pregnancy. So we know that homosexuality is natural. We have seen one after another group that formerly claimed to "cure" people of homosexuality admit that orientation can't be changed. So we know that it is immutable. And we have been through the plague of AIDS that permanently changed gay culture and an entire generation growing up without the idea that homosexuality is a mental disorder.
It was when my generation, born in the 1970's, came of age that the movement toward legalizing gay marriage began in earnest, and that's no accident. People my age were the first to come out in high school, the first to come of age post-AIDS, and the first to grow up knowing that homosexuality is just something that comes up in the gene pool about 3% of the time. It's only natural that it would be people my age who would expect to marry their partners.
So that's your answer, Justice Scalia. The day homosexuality came out of the DSM, gay marriage should have been legal because gay people are people and therefore eligible for equal protection under the law. Once we stopped "protecting" them from their "mental disorder," we should have given them equal rights.
Perhaps we can be forgiven for not giving those rights instantly, because most people then thought that gay people were different in the way they formed relationships. They always had been, of course, because they had to be. When the love you feel is classified as sickness, you don't date in public. But once a generation grew up knowing they weren't crazy, they expected and asked for the same rights straight people have. From that point on, we've been wrong. Just plain wrong. And now the Supreme Court has a chance to set it right.
So that's your answer, Justice Scalia. Now do you know how to rule on this?
*UPDATE 3/29/13: It was 1973. Thanks, Andy Drouin, for leaving that comment. So, 1973 is when it became unconstitutional. Got it, Justice Scalia? 1973.
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