Wednesday, October 23, 2013

PMS: A Conversation With My Body

Dear Readers,

I keep rewriting this because I keep thinking about it. I'm not sure where it's going. If you're checking to see if I've written anything new, you might want to read this again, because it keeps changing. And I don't seem to be able to move on to a new idea yet. This one is still percolating. So I'm afraid that rewrites of this are all you're going to get until I'm done. I hope it's interesting.


Body: Oh, my God!

Me: What?

Body: What the Hell?!

Me: What?! What's the matter?!

Body: We're not pregnant!

Me: Oh. That.


Me: I know. I didn't think we were pregnant.



Body: WHY? WHY? WHY?



Me: Groan...

Body: (grumbles) Every month! Not pregnant! I can't even believe this happened to me again.

Me: Seriously, body? This shouldn't come as a surprise anymore. We're almost forty. Isn't this done yet?

Body: I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU WANT! We have one job! ONE JOB!

Me: Program Coordinator?

Body: NO! Give me chocolate.

Me: Okay.

Body: And salt. Eat some pizza!

Me: We're getting pimples. Maybe we should stop. Or exercise or something.

Body: No stopping! No moving! No thinking! Give me grease!

Me: But I like thinking.

Body: You like thinking? Think about how you haven't made any babies. And the other things you didn't do. Think about that time you meant to do that thing and you never did.

Me: Um...

Body: And those people who died. Think about them.

Me: Which people?

Body: All of them! Your grandmother. And the people who died in that avalanche. And the murder victims.

Me: [sniff]

Body: [Turns up the hormones]

Me: [Weeping]

Body: Oh, and think about all the things you have to get done. The refrigerator is dirty. I think you left something at work. And you're probably late for something.

Me: I am?

Body: Probably. And I think you also forgot to do something important.

Me: I think I did!

Body: Also there's something creepy in the kitchen.

Me: There is? What is it?

Body: I don't know. Something. Give me more chocolate.

Me: But the creepy thing in the kitchen.

Body: You're right. You'd be safer in the living room. Go lie on the couch.

Me: Yeah, the couch. Good idea.

Body: No, don't lie like that. Your back hurts, remember?

Me: Crampy.

Body: I think you're sleepy.

Me: But that thing I have to do! And the sad and the busy...

Body: You'll never get it done anyway. You never finish anything.

Me: I'm going to do it now.

Body: You can't. You have a migraine.

Me: Headache!

Body: See? You never finish anything because you're a terrible mother.

Me: I suck.

Hopper: [Coming home from work] Hi, honey! Want to go out to dinner?

Me: I hate you! Go away and leave me alone!

No comments:

Post a Comment